Well, each day has been a little bit better in some ways; and also worse at some points. Although I have experienced death before, and truly did feel grief for my grandparents, this is the first time that someone I saw on a regular basis has perished. This time, I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round with the stages of grief: As soon as I think I'm finally at 'acceptance', something pops up and I'm back to denial. He can't really be gone!
Yesterday I met his mother and brother for the first time. It was both frustrating and somewhat of a relief that they were asking all of the same questions we have been. Were there any signs? Did he say anything to you? Did anything unusual happen recently? It is such a shame that no one knew Kendall well enough to have insight into his state of mind recently. But at least we are all on the same page in our bereavement, and as selfish as it may sound, it reassures me that there most likely wasn't anything I could have done to help.
Yesterday I also looked for pictures of Kendall. I didn't think I had any, but Justin reminded me that he was at Thanksgiving with my family many times and I often take photos at family gatherings. Sure enough, there he was -- just fourth months ago, hanging out and playing games with us. So the carousel swooped around to depression with that image.
Now I'm just trying to hold it together, waiting for this emotional merry-go-round to stop spinning. Hopefully, when things finally come to a stand-still I can think about my friend without hurting so bad and manage to find a way to remember him in happiness.
2 comments:
I don't really think it's that selfish to find out there was nothing you could do, and I don't think Kendall would want you to feel that way for the rest of your life. We can spend so much time wondering, "What if...?" but it gets us no where. Having lost a cousin only nine months ago, I understand the roller coaster of emotions. One moment you think you're okay, the next you're crying because you can't believe that that person is gone and you won't ever see them in this life again. But it's okay to be sad, and the thing is to be sad with others. If you have a good group to support one another, you can make it through. Share things, talk about Kendall. Some things may never seem quite right, but everyone can enjoy having known such a wonderful person. The emotional roller coaster may last for a while, but with time you'll be able to come to a close. All we can do is pray for acceptance and remember all the good, fun times we had with those people.
It's not selfish at all, Angie. We all want to know why, but the thing is...no answer will ever be good enough for any of us.
The emotional merry-go-round is why my family usually celebrates the life of our loved one with a wake before or after the services.
Being alone in your grief is never a good thing. You end up dwelling on things you shouldn't. And dwelling always ends in tears.
Being with family and friends, sharing stories, remembering the laughter, the silly things...it helps. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it bearable.
"Funerals are for the sorrow, wakes are for celebrating the laughter."
So, while there may not be a wake, there is a group of friends who would probably more than welcome a chance to laugh and remember the important things about their friend.
Lean on us, lean on them...but, don't face the sadness alone.
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