KantCon 2012

I posted my few pictures of KantCon.  I'm still too exhausted to process it all, but it was a blast as usual.  I hope this small peek will display a little of that enjoyment.

Pictures from Aruba

Finally processed most of the pictures I took from our trip a couple weeks ago. This is about one tenth of all of them. (I went a little camera crazy) Enjoy!

Aruba 2012

Burning Man 2011

I decided to try and get my pictures up quickly this year. Thus, although all the images are there and ready to view, I'll probably be adding more comments over time. I want to add links to other interesting items and tid-bits that might be worth looking at. But in the meantime, I am pleased with my day-shots and grateful that I took the time to actually use the camera more this year. Enjoy!

Burning Man 2011

Still running

So most of my training so far has been inside and on an elliptical machine (because that's what we happen to have at home). I was a little worried that this might skew things for me because I know that elliptical is really nothing like actual running. However, I decided to keep with it because of two primary reasons: 1) It was an excuse to keep exercising and add some structure to my routine. 2) Even if I couldn't actually run, I figured this would increase my endurance; especially since when I'm on the machine my 'walking' periods are more like jogging and my 'run' periods are almost at my top speed.

This weekend I finally did my first test outside and on the pavement. I managed to coax my husband to come along since I was still in the first week of C25k and more than half the time is spent walking anyway. We headed out to the park and around the joggling trail there, and it was so easy! I think that the elliptical really is building up my endurance because I never really felt tired until about the last run segment. I did feel a little bit of pressure on my shins, but that's because my running shoes are about a year old and have never been used for real running before. I think with some new shoes, I will be set.

Now that the weather is so nice, my hope is to run outside at least once a week and maybe even more once I continue to adjust to waking up early. I am encouraged, because I feel that this 5K thing could really be in reach!

My Goal to run a 5K

Okay, so when I learned about Orc Stomp last week, it was the final straw to urge me into some sort of running program since I have been considering doing that for awhile. I have never been much of a runner, but I do feel like it is better for my body than simply walking and I figure if a bunch of other geeks can do it, then so can I. Besides, I have also been thinking about some sort of "structure" to add to my exercise routines so a 'Couch to 5K' deal along with some weight lifting seemed like a good start.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been doing interval training on the elliptical machine every morning for 20 minutes. I did a test run of the first session of the Couch to 5k schedule on Saturday to see how it would go -- It felt great! Unfortunately, I spent the rest of the day Saturday doing rigorous yard-work and nearly threw out my back. So yesterday was a big REST and planning day. I talked with my husband on what kind of weight training to do. He has done some lifting in the past and put together a nice schedule for me which starts with a couple of weeks of simple strengthening exercises before I actually pick up a serious weight. (I am a big weakling.)

The plan is to lift on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; run on Tuesdays, Thursday and Saturdays; and rest on Sunday. This works best with my current work and sleep schedule and will hopefully make it easier to stick with for the long term.

This morning I did 90 sit-ups, 18 push-ups (yes on my knees 'cause I'm a girl), 24 squats and 24 calf raises. My legs can already feel a little burn, but I'm sure that will pass in time.

Wish me luck! I'll hopefully keep this site updated as I progress. Feel free to bug me now and then if you want to know how it's going. You know -- accountability and all that. ;)

Vacation for Fun!

So one of our first big trips this year was to PAX East in Boston, MA. I have a few pictures to share: PAX East 2010.

Yes, I know this site has been quiet for awhile. Work has kept me busy, but I intend to change things soon.

Cooking Day Oct. 2010

The family got together this past weekend for a long over-due cooking day. I was at my sister's house from about 8:30am until 10:30pm with only the briefest of breaks through-out the day. We ended up with enough food for 92 meals -- definitely the most we've made in one day before. I'm still trying to recover, so it will be a long time before we go at it again.

Burning Man 2010

The trip has been over for four and half days now and I finally found the time to go through the photographs. I tried to add captions and comments to the web album, so I hope you can make sense of these images. Burning Man just can't be described. Even though a picture is worth 1,000 words, these pictures don't do the event justice.

Waffling

I never really considered myself indecisive, but I have to admit that this whole job situation has really been challenging me. At this point, I do believe that it will be better for me in the long run to go ahead with the new position. Now it is just a matter of timing. How long can I squeeze out some extra money from the old place until I jump ship? Is there even an amount of money that is worth it? These are the questions I ponder while my stomach roils from all the stress.

Change is hard.

Savannah

Well, I got a chance to go meet my new niece briefly this weekend. She kept our hands so busy, we didn't get to take as many pictures as I would have liked. But I have uploaded a few.

Jason promises to have many more online soon. However, I don't think that's going to happen until he gets a full nights sleep in a few months. ;)

And the big news is...

I'm an aunt!

Please welcome Savannah Joy Ayers to the family. Here she is with my proud baby brother.

More details to come

Struggling to find the words

Things have been quiet on my blog for awhile. This is partly because nothing really exciting has happened lately. (Although I hope to have some big news tomorrow; cross your fingers.) But it is also partly because I am still dealing with the death of Kendall.

I have been struggling with this voice in my head that keeps telling me enough time has passed and I should get on with life already. Well, yes, of course I am getting on with life. But my heart keeps yearning for that part of life that included Kendall, and I hate feeling that big hole left behind. I don't really know what the protocol is for this kind of scenario. I don't want to burden my other friends with what seems like a weakness on my part, but I also am too stubborn to just let go. How often is it appropriate to mention his name? What etiquette should be used to refer to his death? Should I force down my tears? Do I force myself to laugh more?

I don't believe there are any right or wrong answers. Really, it's about finding that balance that is right for me and my circle of friends and family. So this is my open letter to all of you -- I'm still grappling with these questions so if you have a suggestion/preference/comments/anything -- please let me know what you think.

Stop and smell the flowers

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted an update. Mostly it's because I was waiting for life to return to "normal". I think enough time has passed that I'm finally realizing I'm already in a NEW normal. I am certainly not as sad anymore; at least most of the time. Something will pop up every now and then that brings tears to my eyes, but I've come to appreciate those as precious reminders. I still miss my friend Kendall, but at least I know that he will always be a part of my life.

There have been at least three good things that I can specifically point to as direct outcomes of this painful experience. The first thing is that a friend of a friend was considering a similar end, but because of things we've been posting and saying about Kendall, this person was rescued. I don't even know who this person is or the details around the situation, but if even one life can be saved, then that gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow. I can only dream that more people read these posts and find ways to reach out to others around them -- be it to ask for help or to offer help. Strengthening the bonds between us is a lofty goal in and of itself and I'm glad to be even a small part of that.

Another good thing that I have taken away from this experience is a vivid reminder of how blessed I am. I have one of the greatest families on earth and a bunch of really awesome friends. I am still receiving messages and words of encouragement, even when I least expect it. This has strengthened me so much lately and helped me face this ordeal in ways I couldn't have foreseen. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without this network of love and support behind me, but it is nice to actually feel those bonds so distinctly from time to time.

And finally, as a result of this gloomy ordeal, I have changed some priorities in my life. My friends and family have always been important to me before, but now I have a big urge to give back. When I think about helping and interacting with people, instead of a weighty feeling of responsibility, there is now a sense of joy. I want to keep spreading this closeness and hopefully continue sharing the warmth and love that has been given to me lately. And just as those occasional bouts of tears help me to remember my friend Kendall, I hope they also continue to remind me of all the great friends and family that I have.

Thank you, Kendall, for all the fond memories and all good things you've brought into my life now. I still wish you could have stayed.

Life marches on

The emotional carousel is starting to slow down. I do still have flare-ups from time to time, but they are farther apart now and less severe. Yet there is a part of me that doesn't want things to go back to 'normal'. Just like when my grandfather died, there this intensity about life now -- the relative importance of things is in sharp focus for the moment and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to go back to a daily existence where everything blurs and people keep their distance. I haven't really figured out how to maintain that focus or what I should do about it, but I'm hoping I can make it a new 30 day challenge of some sort.

So this is like a warning, or notice to all my friends -- I may be asking to spend more time with you soon.

On a completely unrelated note, I have started taking Tai Chi classes. When I signed up, I thought we would be taught the moves that I've seen groups of people doing together as a sort of exercise. I have since come to learn that Tai Chi also includes a lot of meditation and relaxation exercises that have been somewhat helpful to me in my grief. I am glad that I have this respite to look forward to each Saturday morning.

Still recovering

Well, each day has been a little bit better in some ways; and also worse at some points. Although I have experienced death before, and truly did feel grief for my grandparents, this is the first time that someone I saw on a regular basis has perished. This time, I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round with the stages of grief: As soon as I think I'm finally at 'acceptance', something pops up and I'm back to denial. He can't really be gone!

Yesterday I met his mother and brother for the first time. It was both frustrating and somewhat of a relief that they were asking all of the same questions we have been. Were there any signs? Did he say anything to you? Did anything unusual happen recently? It is such a shame that no one knew Kendall well enough to have insight into his state of mind recently. But at least we are all on the same page in our bereavement, and as selfish as it may sound, it reassures me that there most likely wasn't anything I could have done to help.

Yesterday I also looked for pictures of Kendall. I didn't think I had any, but Justin reminded me that he was at Thanksgiving with my family many times and I often take photos at family gatherings. Sure enough, there he was -- just fourth months ago, hanging out and playing games with us. So the carousel swooped around to depression with that image.

Now I'm just trying to hold it together, waiting for this emotional merry-go-round to stop spinning. Hopefully, when things finally come to a stand-still I can think about my friend without hurting so bad and manage to find a way to remember him in happiness.

In memory

I have received so many words of comfort from family, friends and even coworkers these past two days, that I can't help but to feel better. The biggest thing is that they have helped me to move beyond regrets. Yes there may have been things that I could have done or said, but this was Kendall's decision that only he could understand. Now I'm just to the point where I miss my friend. Kendall taught me to appreciate haiku, so in his honor, I attempted a few stanzas:

geek book collector
Samurai at heart
complex card player

caffeine veined coder
strictly lawful alignment
unique strategist

wry and dark humor
gamer and story teller
beret wearing friend

Sorrow

Another person that I cared about has passed away. This time it wasn't family. It was a friend that I thought I knew pretty well. A friend that has been struggling to find a job for awhile. A friend that evidently didn't see any more hope or reason for living. A friend that I now wish I could have done more for.

This kind of pain is awkward. I am struggling to get my head around it. How can I begin to accept his death when I don't understand why he would take his own life? How do I begin to move on when I keep thinking that I could have shown more appreciation; I could have called more; I could have done SOMETHING that might have made a difference.

One thing is for sure -- I want to try and be a more direct person. Justin is right: when I see a person in need, or in pain, I usually beat around the bush and timidly proffer help. I act standoff-ish in my self-righteous attempt to protect privacy. Well screw that. I care about my friends and I don't want anyone else thinking that there isn't a better answer. I will go to the ends of the earth to help find a better answer.

Kendall: I am so sorry that I couldn't be there for you. I am so sorry that you felt the game was over. You provided some great games for the rest of us. I only hope that you've moved on to a better game. I hope you can find some peace and happiness finally. I'll miss you.

It only comes every 4 years

Well, if you count both summer and winter, it's really every two years. I guess you know that I am talking about the Olympics. I am one of those Olympic junkies. I love watching them. If I had more time, I would watch just about every event. I even love to watch a lot of those background stories -- hearing about the grueling training or whatever obstacle the athlete has had to overcome to make it this far. It's just one of those quirks that I don't apologize for.

Anyway, since I didn't really look ahead on the calendar and pay attention to when the Olympics were versus when I would be working on my next 30 day challenge, things have kind of fallen completely off track. Considering how many hours the Olympics are actually broadcast during each day and how much time I have to watch them each night, it's been difficult to keep up. As it stands, I am usually a day behind -- so be careful when you talk to me, because I don't want to know who won gold yet!

Life should return to normal next week, so I will once again resume some creativity tasks. This particular challenge has had the most interruptions so far, but it has still been rewarding. I have learned a lot about how to formulate a 30 day challenge that works best for me, and I'll be tweaking things in the future accordingly. I'll explain more details about that in an upcoming post.

In the meantime, I'm just enjoying the thrill of victory (yay Evan!) and the agony of defeat (sorry team Canada).

The missing week

So I am finally sitting down to write an update about my Creativity challenge. This is exactly one week later than I planned to be writing this update. The reason for the delay is nothing more than yet another example of my human frailty -- I got sick again. This time it was just a cold. Well, a cold that felt like a ton of bricks inside my sinuses, like dragging by body around under water, like trying to think with only 3 hours sleep -- that kind of cold. Anyway, while I was 'under the weather', I tried to continue my creativity schedule, but things kind of got jumbled up. I mean, that whole week is kind of blur in my memory already.

Excuses aside, I am back on track. I have done some sewing -- mostly going through my stack of 'to do': the missing-button, the needs-to-be-hemmed, the patch-a-hole, etc. I also got some reading done and of course, when you're sick, what else are you going to do except sit and watch a bunch of TV and movies? But tonight I am writing. Not only this (pretty worthless) update, but I also wrote a letter to a relative and updated our gaming website. Maybe not the most exciting stuff, but this is just a start.

Painting and/or drawing is on the schedule for tomorrow. Maybe I'll post a picture of it.

On the nature of family

After attending my grandad's funeral this week, I came home and have been pondering several contrasting feelings since then. First, there is this sense of a return to normalcy. Coming home and seeing that the familiar things are still the same -- the world continues to move along just as before. Yet, there was a change -- at least inside me -- and so things are not quite the same as before. It's like a strange veil has been pulled down over everything I see. I know things are basically the same, but my interpretation is different. I again remember what is truly important in life. I now have a buffer that softens the impact of problems at work. It's just work after all. I still have my friends, family, and health.

Second, I got the opportunity to visit with some family I haven't seen in a long, long time. Sometimes it seems weird to be with these people you don't really know, trying to hold a conversation; "How've you been?"; "Watcha up to lately?"; etc. Yet, at the same time, you can sit with these people and there is this unspoken understanding; this shared experience that bonds and brings you together. We might not know each other very well, but yet we can come to a place and a time and hug each other closely and know that we get it.

It's that kind of relationship I want to make sure I have with all my close friends. I treat most of them like family already. Yet often I defer to some strange societal preference for privacy and distance. As if the people I choose to hang out with should be treated like customers or professional contacts. Well, I hope to change that. It will be a focus for me in my next 30 day challenge.

Which reminds me, creativity is still in the works. Day 1 kicks off today!