Monday, May 17, 2010

Struggling to find the words

Things have been quiet on my blog for awhile. This is partly because nothing really exciting has happened lately. (Although I hope to have some big news tomorrow; cross your fingers.) But it is also partly because I am still dealing with the death of Kendall.

I have been struggling with this voice in my head that keeps telling me enough time has passed and I should get on with life already. Well, yes, of course I am getting on with life. But my heart keeps yearning for that part of life that included Kendall, and I hate feeling that big hole left behind. I don't really know what the protocol is for this kind of scenario. I don't want to burden my other friends with what seems like a weakness on my part, but I also am too stubborn to just let go. How often is it appropriate to mention his name? What etiquette should be used to refer to his death? Should I force down my tears? Do I force myself to laugh more?

I don't believe there are any right or wrong answers. Really, it's about finding that balance that is right for me and my circle of friends and family. So this is my open letter to all of you -- I'm still grappling with these questions so if you have a suggestion/preference/comments/anything -- please let me know what you think.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

One of the things I have learned with time, age and the grief classes that I have attended is that once you experience a loss the grief becomes part of your life. There is no 'getting over it and moving on'. There is only accepting the change in your life and adjusting. Kendall will always be a part of your life. Don't expect the pain to go away. Instead accept your grief and keep his memories close to your heart. Feel free to talk about him to others. Don't worry that the tears come sometimes. That is normal, everyone experiences that, each one in their own way. It has been 8 years since my mother passed away and there are still days that her memory brings tears. Most days though it is only warm thoughts and that will also happen to you.
Mom

Rebecca said...

I, too, have struggled for the past year with the death of my good friend and cousin, Nate Rich. It was totally out of the blue, like with Kendall, and it was a hard blow. It takes a long time, I must say, to deal with such a death. It's not the same kind of death as loosing a grandparent, which we have also experienced lately. Someone who is young (or at least not old!) and has not lived all they possibly could should never die like that. I will never stop missing my cousin and it will never be the same when we go visit the Riches. I will always miss the sound of the wheels on his wheelchair as he goes down the halls or crosses the garage from the main house to the apartment. It's okay to feel like you're moving on, yet not moving on at the same time. Just take each day as it is and remember him for the wonderful person that he was. There's no need not to think of his death as something sad sometimes, just think of the happy moments more. I'm only just to that point with my Granny Rich, who died two years ago. Never feel like you're dwelling! And if you ever need someone to talk to, you have lots of family and friends who will listen.

Unknown said...

There is no set time limit on grieving, Angie. If anyone ever tells you that you should be 'over it by now' let me talk with them.

Grief isn't something that lets go easily. In one way or another, it will always be there and always hurt, but over time...you learn to deal with it a little better. It doesn't mean that you won't end up in tears over something silly, though.

It's been five years since my father died. I ended up blubbering like an idiot watching Doctor Who a few nights ago because of the episode that brought back the character Sarah Jane Smith. One of the last episodes of (the old)Doctor Who we watched together was the last episode with her in it. It's a silly thing to cry over, but it brought the pain to the surface like it'd just happened again.

What I'm saying is that grief isn't like a light switch. You can't turn it off and on.

Talk about Kendall, cry for him. Be mad at him and yell about him. I don't think any one of us mind talking about him with each other. We're all still struggling with it in one form or another.

Anonymous said...

good start