Another person that I cared about has passed away. This time it wasn't family. It was a friend that I thought I knew pretty well. A friend that has been struggling to find a job for awhile. A friend that evidently didn't see any more hope or reason for living. A friend that I now wish I could have done more for.
This kind of pain is awkward. I am struggling to get my head around it. How can I begin to accept his death when I don't understand why he would take his own life? How do I begin to move on when I keep thinking that I could have shown more appreciation; I could have called more; I could have done SOMETHING that might have made a difference.
One thing is for sure -- I want to try and be a more direct person. Justin is right: when I see a person in need, or in pain, I usually beat around the bush and timidly proffer help. I act standoff-ish in my self-righteous attempt to protect privacy. Well screw that. I care about my friends and I don't want anyone else thinking that there isn't a better answer. I will go to the ends of the earth to help find a better answer.
Kendall: I am so sorry that I couldn't be there for you. I am so sorry that you felt the game was over. You provided some great games for the rest of us. I only hope that you've moved on to a better game. I hope you can find some peace and happiness finally. I'll miss you.
5 comments:
Well said. You will be missed Kendall.
I agree, well said. Kendall, I didn't know you that long, but you will be missed.
Beautifully said, Angela. I hadn't known Kendall as long as you guys, but I considered him a friend and Kevin and I will miss him tremendously.
I can hardly believe such a thing has occurred. It is a tragedy when you find out that someone close to you has made that ultimate decision. I only met Kendall a few times, but I know he will be missed. I am so sorry for those around him. Words cannot express...
Suicide is unfathomable. Even to those who have considered it in the past. You can not understand that with which you have no experience. If you have had no experience with it - you can not be expected to anticipate it within another - no matter how deeply loved.
You say you are standoffish around others pain - but I see someone who took action - who called, who went to the apt. - who even went so far as to call the police - who did not give up - who called Kendall's mother. That is someone who went above and beyond. That it was not in time to save him takes nothing away from the love, caring, and effort you made to reach out and help. When I asked for help with my cousin when you were visiting me you were completely direct, clear and full of loving support.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda is a dangerous and destructive game. One that perpetuates the struggle with which your friend Kendall lived. Who we are is not the sum of the events in our life, but the sum of what we choose to take from these events. Even in tragedy, there are precious gifts.
It is normal and necessary to grieve and wish and question. It is equally important to move out of that phase, grow and learn. It is in this that you honor Kendall and allow him to live on in you and through you.
Take a look, see if there is something you wish to change in yourself, make that decision, and thank Kendall for the gift of this knowledge. Every time you practice this new behavior you are honoring Kendall.
When mom died someone told me to rejoice in the fact that I could love someone so deeply that it would hurt so much to lose them. So I say this to you Angie, the very fact that you feel such sorrow is absolute evidence of how deeply you care, love and give of yourself - always.
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